


sinner

by captainstarspangled



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cigarettes, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:41:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainstarspangled/pseuds/captainstarspangled
Summary: bucky is hurting about steve's farewell and finally able to grasp his feelings about it, at least a little.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Kudos: 17





	sinner

Bucky is shivering out on the fire escape of his and Sam’s New York City apartment. The noise from the streets is a far away cry for him to stay firmly put, up in his capsule on the tenth floor. He can’t face the pain and reality of the future all alone. 

“His name means crown,” he says to Sam when he hears the window click open. He has known this for a while, but kept it to himself, the fact that he had made the research on it guarded by his ostensibly unbroken heart. 

“Yeah?” Sam isn’t good with the big words, Bucky had realized whenever he tried to talk beyond the usual exchange of their whereabouts and deeds during the day later at night. 

The man hands Bucky a bowl of soup as he sits down on the cold metal floor next to him. The lovingly prepared meal is carelessly put aside, triggering a sigh from Sam’s lips. “Haven’t seen you eat since yesterday,” he points out.

“It makes sense, he used to love running around the block pretending to be a king,” Bucky said, fond memories of hobby-horses they’d hand-crafted during a snowstorm in winter, wooden swords and scratched knees from fighting other kingdoms in brutal and bloody fights playing over and over in his mind. 

Sam is almost relieved when he sees a smile play on Bucky’s lips but the feeling soon fades into a sickening pain in his stomach once he notices the tears that have gathered in his opposite’s eyes.  
Bucky licks his lips when a gush of wind makes his hair crazy for a brief moment, his skin prickling with goose bumps. 

He lights a cigarette as an attempt for the smoke to warm him up from inside, for it to maybe heal his broken heart a little and admittedly even to slowly kill him while bringing the smallest amount of joy with every unhealthy breath he takes. The gap between his thighs has expanded noticeably, but he doesn’t have it in himself to care. 

“Bucky,” Sam sighs against the smoke that is carried into his face whether Bucky aims for it or not. “Talk to me.” 

They have lived together for three months, and also since haven’t properly mentioned Steve. Sam knows Bucky is hurting, he’s heard him cry himself to sleep probably more than half of the nights they’ve spent under a roof together. But he can’t change that they are, and this makes him feel undeniably stupid, men. Men with pride that doesn’t like to get hurt. They don’t talk about their feelings despite Sam’s past as a counsellor, or how much both know Bucky is hurting. 

“Steve was a fighter. We’ve spent our whole lives fighting for a better future,” Bucky states and is quick to wipe any moisture from his eyes. “Maybe it’s childish, but I wanted to spend it together with him,” he says, heart pounding out of his chest because oh god, oh no, he was opening up to Sam. 

A loud thunder erupts in the sky above their heads and Bucky looks up at the holes in the clouds, through which he can see stars, stars that Steve once looked at. Now that they’re the only thing they share anymore, he feels closed off from everything he used to love, see, once was. 

Bucky had loved Steve like a good brother doubling in role as his best friend, and now that he’s gone, basic tasks like eating a normal sized meal or taking a shower feel so banal. It’s like half of his life is gone. No more fighting for Steve, no more thinking, ‘I’ll see him soon’. 

“What an ignorant bastard,” Bucky exclaims, throwing his hands in the air after putting out his smoke, finally letting the anger he’d been holding for weeks out, the rain that is starting to fall not cooling it in the slightest. 

“I know,” Sam states with a soft voice, the size and speed of the droplets expanding. 

Bucky gets up, almost tipping the bowl of soup over the edge of the staircase platform. He punches the brick wall next to the window with his flesh hand before Sam can stop him. 

“Buck, come on, don’t hurt yourself,” Sam says and Bucky laughs at him through the dizziness he’s feeling from getting up too fast and not eating for a day. His vision is blurry and he knows Sam knows so he doesn’t move to wipe his eyes, it’s a lost cause anyway.

“I already am.” Rain begins pouring down in torrential streams, quickly soaking the two men down to their skin, and making them wonder whether Thor is having just as bad of a night as Bucky.

“I fucking hate him!” Bucky screams over the downfall, adrenaline slowly wearing off and the full pain of his hand becoming noticeable. “Who does he think he is, how dare he?!”

He is wrapped into a hug before he can ramble on about how much he hates his best friend and salty tears mix with rainwater on his face. 

Bucky wakes up the next morning with Sam’s arm wrapped around his waist and once he has gathered his surroundings up in his mind and recalled the events of last night he can only begin to cry at the flood of emotions that wash through his brain. 

Unholy images flash his mind because he had kissed Sam last night, the two of them are stained with sin and Bucky desperately tries to gather up the fear he’s feeling about it. Who else could he talk to about this other than Steve? Steve, who had known him as a charming bachelor, beloved by the ladies. How can he have only just seen Steve a few months back and now seem like a completely different person than the one his best friend grew up with? 

“Hey,” Sam says and Bucky turns onto his back to face the man, who uses his thumbs to wipe away the tears on his cheeks. 

“We’re sinners. Steve doesn’t know me like that, it’s not me,” Bucky rambles on, his chest heaving up and down with excitement and fear and what not. 

“It didn’t use to be,” Sam says with a small smile tugging at his lips. “Steve was your friend and he grew up with you but I’m excited to get to know you, the you that he could’ve never described to me because he didn’t know what else there would be to you.”

And Sam will get to know Bucky, in a way that no man has ever known Bucky and he will turn his nights red with lust and be made more sinner by him and he will find out why he is the name-bearer of a very telling name.

**Author's Note:**

> idk where this is going, we'll see


End file.
